You know you're getting old when-
Before...
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.
Now…
The Alphabet
A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have– in my mind.
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
source: Lafalooza
Friday, August 28, 2009
The New Alphabet
Friday, July 17, 2009
Chart Toppers
I got this email entitled Hospital Chart Bloopers the other day. Apparently these were actual writings on hospital charts. Well, this will at least lessen the toxicity of a chaotic day at the ER.
As they say, laughter is the best medicine.
Enjoy!
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Words of the Day
Three words that caught my attention today while looking into some patients' charts courtesy of a wet-behind-the- ears Nurse Intern fresh out of school and eager to prove her mettle in the chaotic world of the Emergency Room Triage...
MAGGETS
TETNAS
Spelling Bee, anyone?
C2007
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Tree of Life?
I am no "Dr. No" and so this "From Russia with Love" thing is alien to me. We're here talking about whether or not "only God can make a tree"?
Nah, after watching the video, I am convinced of what Mr. Joyce Kilmer had known eons ago, that "Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree."
Nice try Doc but only a fool will fall into your claim of finding a growing tree inside a man's body. Ha-ha.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys… and this guy's got two of'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- The “5-second rule” applies to organs, too – right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...
- “Oh, you mean HIS right…”
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!?!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The Nurse Notes: Old & New
A new nurse throws up when the patient does. An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when the patient throws up.
A new nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can't read it. An experienced doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons.
A new nurse charts too much. An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
A new nurse loves to run codes. An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A new nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse. An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know they are a nurse.
A new nurse keeps details and notes on a notepad. An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hands, paper scraps, napkins, etc.
A new nurse will spend all day trying to re-orient a paient. An experienced nurse will chart the patient is dis-orientated and restrain them.
A new nurse can hear any alarm at 50 yards. An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
A new nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds. An experienced nurse doesn't even want to hear about them unless the pt is symptomatic.
A new nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath. An experienced nurse lets the nurse's aide give the patient a bath.
A new nurse thinks people respect nurses. An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A new nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it. An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.
A new nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family". An experienced nurse AVOIDS the family.
A new nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on time. An experienced nurse expects them to be never delivered at all.
A new nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient. An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.
A new nurse always answer their phone. An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering their phone.
A new nurse thinks psychiatric patients are interesting. An experienced nurse thinks psychiatric patients are crazy.
A new nurse carries reference books in their bag. An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch and something else in their bag.
A new nurse doesn't find this funny. An experienced nurse does.......
So, what are you?
Sunday, December 23, 2007
